poesias
(solo algunos por ahora)
(solo algunos por ahora)
the way i love is intense
with delicate manner
soft fingertips and strong tongues
I feel you inside of me
in my mouth, my heart, my blood, my
I feel you deeply
and i know that no matter how this ends,
that it will end
that is one thing i've learned to be true
that no matter how beautiful, magical, kismet moments are
they can end at any point
i think i’ve mastered an art of detachment
an art of letting go
even when it hurts
like a barnacle that's stuck to my chest
being peeled off
like a leech that's lived with me for so long that i don't know what its like to live without it (even after 2 days, 2 weeks)
a parasite that i've made companionship with
maybe that’s cruel
to compare this love to a disease
a flesh eating monster
but that's what love can be
i don't think i could ever forget her
but then again, i didn't think i could ever forget him
i didn't think i could ever feel that admiration,
that desire that i once felt for him, ever again, for anyone, for anything
and then i met you
and maybe it's because of the stars in your eyes
that reminded me of him subconsciously
in the way i knew it would hurt me eventually
a hypnotic kind of admiration
or maybe it’s simple chemical attraction
or maybe our souls called out to each other because we each had a lesson to learn
about communication
about boundaries
about standing up for ourselves
what we deserve, or even what we want
my god, when we let ourselves embrace what we may actually want
what we may actually desire
the transformations that take place
maybe i’ve died in each love i’ve lost
and evolved through it
evolved to learn that i can survive
some of lives most painful offerings
to be reborn to
to love myself more than anyone else could ever love me
to love myself enough to put myself in safe love
healthy love
passionate love
creation
love that creates
love that is art
through us
between us
and within us,
Individually.
so that when we come together,
it is like two songs that have been written, revised, recorded, revised, edited, revised, mastered-
,revised
remastered, , ,
,made by two drastically different composers, with different places we’ve come from, lives we’ve lived,
but a future we’d like to sing together
that we’d like to harmonize on
to create that peace
that peace we both seek
throughout the vibration we emit
through our hearts, our voices, our smiles, and our art,
together, and separate
inspiring one another
The reflections of sunlight on leaves
straining out the leftover beams to warm the earth
We find flowers beautiful even when they die
soaking up their color or lack thereof while i pass by their grave
I find dead flowers beautiful
sentimental creature of morbidity collecting clothes, cards, memories,
We decorate with dead flowers
crafting collages with the decrepit petals
using the leaves to paint and vines to hang
shivers of long grass caught up in the rhythm of the wind
it reminds me of your cool fingertips, dancing along the palm of my hand
the air in the meadow looks like waves crashing
when you tilt your gaze
do you notice the waves that are crashing all around us
blue iridescent dragonflies
turtles poking their heads out of the water
green moss forming shapes of earth
sandhill cranes walking through the swamp after a hurricane
the sun on my skin
burning my eyes, but in a pleasurable way
a polite burn. a welcomed one. the warmth I invited in, if it burns or not, i dare not control. or try to
i can only adapt in response
the water
a land
a neighborhood
a home
the bridges and so much wind
the wind after a storm
the damp, damp grass up to my calves
some dry, some puddles
i slosh in my boots avoiding too much water but enjoying the soft feel of the grass upon my legs, the brush of it
like loving hands molding to your shoulder or waist as they pass by you in the house or try to move around you in the kitchen. no words necessary for the dance to take place
the air is warm
humidity fills my lungs
hanging me out to dry
what if we take our shoes off and run?
i dont know why the grass was so wet because i dont remember it raining today
leftover dampness from the storm?
or is the air just that saturated, so full of moisture, that if it was colder my car windows would be fogged up in the morning and ill have to wipe them before i drive
always forgetting the two extra minutes itll take so now im rushing because how could i have predicted that?
that kind of humid.
dillyweed and september
maybe you recall me
with your woes (notes)
or maybe im a fallen leaf
maybe i smile by your face as i twirl from the trees to the ground
drifting
or maybe i haunt
lizards crawling
damp skin
dragonflies dance along surfaces
frogs jump into the water and turtles poke their heads out
leaves falling
warm winds
mosquito bites and deep blemishes
spanish moss and spiderwebs
oily patterns in the warm water
still
only moving to cradle the wildlife
reflections of trees and skies
of leaves and palm frons
bridges connections transformations
dream analyzations and library books
nine in my arms
i carry like a baby
sore triceps and tired legs
a labor of love to hold
ant on my thigh
my worn pants
i can see my skin through the tiny seams
washed. worn. again. again
will i see your face again? so many faces come to mind with these words
cicadas
the powerful feel of wind on a bike
the chance
the question
green, green everywhere
green nails. dark, emerald, forest green
laying woman carved into the bridge
playing with water, sand, plants
resting in her comfort
garnished in a peace
a peace that is delicately given
to those
who honor it once it comes
and are grateful for their time with it
the goddess. everywhere
the tree bark
the woman on the bridge
a golden spiral, a circle with thorns
gleaming, glittering in the sunlight
late afternoons in mid september
dillyweed and magnolias
rocks and dirt
roots and dead leaves
pinecones and dilemma
lips and lips
upon soft skin
who will i meet when i see you again
before summer ends, what will i see?
i find myself longing for the hours
the nights of
coming home from the most emotionally draining days
when my students are sad and there is no moment of quiet
the days i pour out from 8 am until 5
to come home and find a space to land
tangled between your arms
legs like my yarn basket
as close to each other as we can be
every centimeter of our bodies
until our hearts are touching
i can feel your heartbeat on mine
regulating my pulse
reminding my body “you are safe, you are safe”, silently
inviting me to melt and
if i want, put each moment and feeling into words
you’d listen
or you’d sit and nap with me
whenever i am tired
tracing spirals along my back
my arms and wrists
infinite
kissing my forehead and my shoulders
making a fire on my thigh, warming me up
i melt
letting the pain dissolve
the fear evaporates
it floats out of our atmosphere
away from our space
the galaxy we’ve created
under the shade diffused sunbeams that fall upon our single window
that spotlight that lies on our delicate bodies
a body i know better than my own
a body i only ever saw as art
as a tree
as divinely placed on this earth as each leaf
you know the freckles on my back better than i do
adorning us
let us bask
let this moment stand still
forever
let this moment in time continue on and flow like the water in the swamps that surround us
softly, intently, written words, printed,
let them
my skin rests on yours like the graceful turn of a page of paper - a secret between you and the book
so soft, joining the rest of the sheets of words
words and words
moments and moments
i tire longing for the softness of your pages
for the worlds we built in our words
for the universe in your eyes
i love you and i know that that means nothing now
because you know i love you
but that isn’t enough to make it safe
safe to see you,
safe to think about you
safe to love you
its not safe.
but here i am
missing the safe space that was cornered in the middle of the pain
fermented tears orbiting around us
though our sun,
helio
is still
are your lips still so soft?
do you still wreak of gars and ramen noodles
is your bed still stained with the sweat of your nightmares
is your heart still torn by the persuasiveness of lust
is your body still warm to overcompensate for your cold heart?
words and words
what do they mean
if you aren't here with me
when we consider
the detachment from it all
when we consider
the temporary nature of life
the fact that in every moment, something is changing
visible or not
positive or not
neutral or not
life changes
every aspect of life
the leaves, if you’d like a physical representation
ourselves
our relationships
positive or not
neutral or not
we change
and when we consider this change
as the moon reminds us to do so,
we must remember the sweetest honor it is to be kissed by a moment
to be special enough to experience this
this bliss
a wild bliss of life
that lights us up from inside
incites a spark that is unusual
incites a spark that changes,
grows,
transforms us
just like each moment
in each moment as we change and as we grow
we come to know
life a little better
and for each feeling of loss
i hope you can find solace in the fact that
we changed
it changed us
it changed you
i hope you can feel the beauty in that
clementine kisses
linger down my neck
i witness flowers bloom in your heart every time your eyes lights up
my tongue tastes like peaches and honey
i embellish your arm with my sticky lips
play guitar on your thigh while i lay on your lap
brush my loose hair behind my ear
the gentle blush of evening primrose buds
i love how orange juice drips down my fingers while i eat
my wrists are dripping and
i smile
time moves so slow
i've had my breath taken away so many times, i’m panting
warm wind on my skin, climbing down my collarbones
soft cloth and reflections of the sky on the water
looking up through the trees
i look up with you and, i have everything i could ever need
-ily rae
the leaves could feel after we exchanged glances for the first time
the leaves could feel it was time
time to let the stubborn green
the patient dead bulbs
ready to let life grow again
to let what is already there to change and transform
and for something new to come about
dark red leaves tinted from the suns hues,
and pale pear green shimmers blossoming out of branches
all on the same tree
the same tree in different seasons
at the same time one tree experiencing death and birth all at once
winter and summer in unison
the leaves changed when i met you and
thats when i knew i made it around the sun
i made it to a world where
each way that this could go
each path
each step we’ve taken
and moment we’ve experienced
continues on
in unison
all at once
we all exist infinitely
all at once
all at once
within oneself
from the sun bleached strands of my brown hair
to the bright shine of fresh eyes in the morning
i experience it all
all at once
there's beauty in the complexity
it's dynamic
beauty in the parallels
beauty in the opposites and
the dichotomy of seasons
the dichotomy of how i love you
yet it feels quite linear now.
though, if you asked me before i met you,
this love would have been covered up
camouflaged by the autumn leaves on the ground
as another step on the sidewalk
and not the moment when we first met
in the grass
by the water
you cast your rod and
i sit my body down
next to you
to watch
i take out my pen and
open my paper and
draw the tree that is centered beyond you
centered in my gaze
the tree with all the days
the air of summer
the breaths of spring
the fear of winter
the hope it brings
the exhale of autumn
the colors and sways
this tree feels it all
through all of the days
and in case it may not show it,
the memories of seasons past,
are scarring enough
if you cut her open
check her years
you’ll see tears and tears
of sun bleached fears
-ily rae
being free reignites the deep inspiration i hold within
it brings tears to my eyes
i want to create endlessly
i wont lie, i do wish you could see it
i want you to read my words, see my art, feel my heart, watch my dance, hear my song
i wish you could witness my expression and watch me grow
to feel my depths
but, i do it for me
at the end of the day, its for me
it has to be
there is no one else it can be for
i cant share with you anymore
its not an option
i cry
at missing you
but i would die
at losing myself
please let us dance another dance
in a plane beyond
let our hearts intertwine
forever
for he is a love so deep inside
but one i cannot endeavor
one that has brought me up and molded me for seven years
one that will never be forgotten
it will never die
even with a broken heart
i mend, i mend, i mend
-ily rae